New definition of "birthstone"

I'm expecting.

Seriously. My doctor has confirmed it.

The only thing still uncertain is my due date, although the likelihood is sometime before Christmas.

At first, there was some uncertainty, so the doctor ordered a sonogram. After that, there was no doubt.

I know what you're thinking. How is this possible? You can't be expecting, you're too old.

This is the first thing you question? My age? You don't have a problem with my gender?

Well, you make a lot of sense. That's because statistics show men are more likely to yield such progeny.

Regardless, the x-rays don't lie. There it was on film. Proof positive that within my loins lies a hale and hearty, considerably sizeable if slightly pointy, kidney stone.

Even before the sonogram, I had a suspicion I might be with stone. It was about five or six months ago I was first woken with a terrible pain. They're just like labor pains I'm told. And here I am in the second trimester, and the agony is still present.

But the doctor's counsel is encouraging as he believes it won't be much longer. With any luck, I'll have a natural delivery. Failing that, he says, there is the possibility of surgery.

According to the sonogram, "the little guy," as I've come to call it, is 7.5 millimeters. It's nearly twice the size of a sister stone, one I delivered two years ago. The doctor informs me it's quite common to have more than a few, but to be honest, I would have been perfectly content with one.

But another one is coming, and this one, like the first, is unplanned.

I even have a rather noticeable "bump," although my wife suggests it's probably not as likely the result of a 7.5 millimeter stone as it might be from lasagna.

I'm not suggesting I'm the rare male to be expecting like this. My friend Jack has already had four. The oldest is 12. He had another one in 2006, and finally, last year, twins. A rough delivery I'm told.

The funny thing is none of them look alike. But there's no doubt they're all his. And if you visit Jack, he will proudly show them off to you. He even carries photos in his wallet.

It looks like it could still be weeks or even months before I deliver. In the meantime, in addition to the pain, I'm experiencing nausea and also occasional fatigue, but the doctor says that should be expected. He wants me to lay off alcohol and coffee, and suggests I limit physical activity.

In the meantime, I've been thinking about names. I've considered several, but I'm pretty certain I've settled on one:

Rocky.