This is like Christmas Eve, in a way! I’m excited that this is the second-to-last night I will be watching this show. I am excited that tomorrow night will be the last night. I am not excited about actually watching the show either night. I guess it’s like if you referred to the night before you had kidney stones removed as “Kidney Stone Eve.”
The show begins with clips of Idols past Carrie Underwood and David Cook as children. Oh, come on. Are we reeeeeally gonna see clips of all the Idols as kids? Well, no, as it happens. Just those two. But now I'm curious: Is there no footage of any other Idols as kids? Were Carrie and David the only non-ugly children who went on to become American Idol winners? I want to see Kris Allen’s hump! Soon there are clips of Lauren and Scotty as children. Even younger children, that is. In Scotty’s home video, we see the little boy Scotty declaim, “The next American Idol winner … !” The footage then cuts off, as presumably the producers didn’t want to sway the voting or risk a mistrial.
As the camera sweeps over the exultant multitudes gathered in the Nokia Theater, it lingers on season seven Idol runner-up David Archuleta. Seeing him, I instantly flash on the YouTube video of the little girls crying their eyes out and screaming at the world’s injustice when Archuleta lost to David Cook. And I am struck: Did I not react similarly when Haley was eliminated last week? Did I not cry out in shock, and disbelief, and sorrow? If you prick me, do I not bleed? I am shaken from my reverie by the signs behind Daveulata’s head:
Love you Ryan.jpg
There is no way these signs are not sarcastic. Look how hastily made they are. Look at what they say. No one believes that. No one’s motivation was this. These signs amuse me because I know they are fake. Good work, sarcastic teenage girls. Please never turn your sarcasm on me.
The judges enter. Randy is dressed like one of the Borrowers. Steven Tyler is dressed like a depressing hotel bar. There are no words missing in the previous sentence. J.Lo is dressed like a hot Medieval Times waitress. Ryan is wearing a tuxedo, because this is supposed to seem important. I give him credit for wearing an actual bow tie, and not the “formal necktie” that cheaters and slobs wear.
Ryan brings out the kids. Despite everyone else’s fancy finery, Scotty is playing it safe by wearing a generic “country” T-shirt with a “Western” image on it. It very much looks like something you’d get at a truck stop, which I’m sure is not accidental. It absolutely works for his genre. Ryan tells us that there was some drama with Lauren’s voice. At rehearsal that day, she’d blown a vocal chord! Just the one! Then I start wondering how many vocal chords we have (two? Two thousand?) for a fair bit. It’s fun to think about science. Then a doctor comes out (wearing his black formal scrubs, he’s a gentleman) and tells us all Lauren’s going to be okay. This is disappointing news. HEAR ME OUT. I am not going to say that I wish for this young girl’s voice to fail her. I am going to say that if this young girl’s voice should fail her, it would mean something interesting would happen on this hour of television. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I have been and always shall be your friend.
Scotty won the coin toss that I just learned is part of this process, and being a good little gentleman, he defers to Lauren in the matter of who performs when. Lauren would prefer to go second. Oo, strategy! Maybe!
For the first round, the kids will sing their favorite songs from the season. Scotty opens it up with “Gone” and has been granted the use of the Game of Thrones Fiddler. I have to say, I’m glad Scotty chose this number. I don’t remember him singing it before, but it’s way more dynamic now than his performance of it two weeks ago or four months ago or on The Merv Griffin Show or I don’t know where I am anymore and why is this happening. My point is, it’s an up-tempo song with some energy to it. Scotty is really selling it, stalking all over the stage, at one point leading a mini-parade of the GoT Fiddler and Idol’s own in-house Guitar Strangler (I have a suggestion for this guy, and it’s his to take or leave: get a shirt that reads, “This fascist kills machines.” Where my folk fans at?).
JUDGES: We are just moving on, it seems! Nothing from the judges! I guess they have said all they have to say. Good. Keep quiet. You’ve done enough by doing so little.
ME: I can still talk, though. And yawn. I am already so bored and I am only eight minutes into this show. All I can think is, That was probably the song I am going to end up enjoying the most, and I didn’t really enjoy it, and there’s 52 more minutes of modern country to go.
Lauren’s favorite song from this season is “Flat on the Floor.” She sings it and sasses it and does what she does. I am slightly grateful that it’s not a ballad. So far I’ve enjoyed a two-song ballad reprieve.
ME: Honestly, there isn’t anything to say. Since they’re singing songs they’ve done before, they’re that much more comfortable with them. I don’t like either Scotty’s or Lauren’s performance styles and I don’t enjoy the one genre of music in which they both perform. So. Hello!
For the next round, the idols of the Idols will decide what songs are sung. Oh, well, pardon me, Your Majesties. I’m sorry no one was singing what you wanted to hear before. Let's start the season over with you calling the shots, whoevers you are. It turns out one of the whoevers is George Strait, who is Scotty’s idol. Out of all the songs in the world and from all the long rich history of music, George picks one of his own songs for Scotty to sing. I once heard that Prince only listens to his own music. Perhaps George Strait is the Prince of modern country music, and I just never knew it or didn’t care and still don’t. The George Strait song George Strait would most like to hear is called “Check Yes or No.” It makes a certain sort of sense that Scotty is singing this song about passing notes in school, but why was a grown man ever singing it? Come on, George Strait, live in the here and now! You deserve to be happy! Surely something nice has happened in your life since grammar school! Didn’t you get a new hat? The GoT Fiddler has now played on three songs.
Lauren’s idol is Carrie Underwood. Carrie Underwood, who won American Idol six years ago. It’d be poetic if Lauren started singing a song called “That Dang Ouroboros,” but instead she sings “Maybe It Was Memphis” by Pam Tillis. This is obviously a big hit and a legendary country song and all that, but to me it’s an all-day car trip and there’s a whole long stretch where all you can get on the radio is modern country or religious call-in shows. Hey, pull over here, I’m in a televised singing contest and I need to buy a shirt.
Once the kids are done singing, I expect George Strait and Carrie Underwood to come out and do something. Say hello, at least. But they don’t. We don’t even see any photos of them or anything. Where are they? They just pick these songs from an undisclosed location? Are they watching from their secret modern country lair, under a volcano? Of course, a country volcano. Come on. It’s implied.
Oh, I was wrong. The judges do get to talk. Why now? Four sings in? Fine. Let the babies have their bottles.
JUDGES: Steven likes it! J.Lo thought the performances were amazing and crazy, not as dynamic, strong, and clear and beautiful, in that order. Randy commends America on its choices for the final two. Randy awards round one to Scotty, round two to Lauren. Most important, they’re both IN IT TO WIN IT! STILL, I GUESS! I SHOULD THINK SO, AT THIS LATE DATE!
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